Cabinet

In the latest in our series profiling the members of Johnny’s cabinet, we present the man who put the laughter into slaughter, and the ha ha ha into hate hate hate: Rambozo the Clown.

Many have questioned Johnny’s wisdom in affording so high a place in his cabinet to the mysterious man some people call Ku Klux Klown. However, Johnny shows great loyalty to the man he calls “Uncle Rambozo”, and counts him as a close confidante and trusted advisor.

Rumoured to have known Johnny since the latter’s days being raised in a circus, Rambozo has been credited with teaching him the art of surprise in combat. Johnny confirms this, saying: “When my enemies see me pulling up in a mini, they think I’m alone, but thanks to what Rambozo taught me, there’s a fucking army in the boot.”

Cabinet

The first look at members of Johnny's cabinet, the inner circle who will help him run America. This week, Ilsa.


When asked his opinion on Ilsa, Johnny said “She’s a filthy, disgusting whore with only the sketchiest concept of the difference between right and wrong. I admire that in a woman.”

A mainstay of Johnny’s presidential campaign, this genetically cloned sex-vampire is credited with bringing a certain “edge” to the staff meetings – the fifteen inch hunting knife she uses to bone, joint and gut any members of the cabinet who disagree with Johnny’s policy ideas. Or her policy ideas. Or who forget to bring donuts to the meeting. Even if it wasn’t their turn.

All attempts to procure an in-depth interview with Ilsa proved fruitless, as interviewers regularly returned complaining that they had been horribly physically and emotionally abused by Ilsa, who told them: “Stop your sissy-mary whining – if you didn’t like being treated this way, you wouldn’t have transferred the money to my account. And clean your blood off the sheets before you go. Actually, on second thoughts, don’t...”