Fear of the black pajamas

Johnny the Red, the finest presidential candidate the United States has ever seen, has been considering the vitally important issue of Ninjas.

He's against them.

This is not, as some might suspect, because ninjas killed his family. No, Johnny recognises that it might be churlish to hate ninjas on this basis, since, to be fair, he gave them the contract in the first place. But what cannot be forgiven is how much they overcharged him. And of course, since 98% of ninjas are Japanese, they are taking jobs away from God-Fearing Patriotic Americans, like Biker gangs and Crack-addicts.

But wait, it gets worse. If those poor crack-addicts can't find honest work killing for money, how will they find the money for a dime bag? And if no one buys crack, what happens to those fine examples of American entrepreneurship, the drug dealers?

Worse yet, we can hardly have a war on drugs if the whole drug culture has undergone a financial collapse. Sure, some of the "law enforcement professionals" who previously made their livings warring on drugs can instead be dedicated to the war on terror, but there are only so many darkies needing arrest and torture. Most of them are going to end up unemployed - when your only skill is “beating out a confession”, there just aren't many options.

Before we know it, those dirty foreigners, with their black pajamas and shiny throwing-stars will have destroyed the entire US economy. So when you need that friend, spouse, family member, business associate, or bastard who's fucking your mistress，brutally and horrifically murdered, buy American, and keep your country working. It's the patriotic thing to do.

A dollar saved is a country earned

There has been much discussion during this campaign as to whether or not the US forces should leave Iraq.

Johnny, frankly, is all in favour of bringing the boys home.

Frankly, he despises the inefficiency of the US government run efforts in Iraq. It has been consistently demonstrated that if you really want to fuck up a country, you need to contract it out to the private sector.

The American private sector has offered far more fuck-up-the-country-and-oppress-the-locals bang for the taxpayers dollar than any government-run operation could ever hope to.

This war has been far more successfully privatised than any other in history - but Johnny still thinks it needs to be taken further. The core of the job - the killing and torturing - is still being undertaken by government employees. Johnny believes we can see a huge improvement in the economic efficiency of the operation by privatising this core, too.

As such, when you elect him president, Johnny promises to outsource all military actions to his "associates" in the "industry."

A word about enhanced interrogation...

A brief word on “enhanced interrogation techniques”. You know: torture...

“The barbarous custom of having men beaten who are suspected of having important secrets to reveal must be abolished. It has always been recognised that this way of interrogating men, by putting them to torture, produces nothing worthwhile. The poor wretches say anything that comes to their mind and what they think the interrogator wishes to know.”
-Napoleon

You know who opposes torture?

The French.

Do you want to be like the French?

And just in case you’re wondering what would be so bad about that, we’d just like to remind you that they eat frogs, snails and horses; and belittle the last hundred years of their military effectiveness by quoting Jed Babbin when he said “Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. You just leave a lot of useless, noisy baggage behind”.