Women's issues

Some seem to feel that Johnny the Red does not respect women. This is simply not true. Johnny respects women, though not necessarily in the morning. To be blunt, he is not a morning person, and does not really respect anyone before his Eleven O'Clock vodka.

Now you may have heard stories associating Johnny with supposed "dead hookers." Johnny assures us that was a much taller man, and he was visiting his mother at the time.

Johnny the Red has the utmost respect for women. And not just because of their "fun-bags." Actually, he's more of a "leg-man."

A few quick denials

Johnny the Red is a colossus, striding the political landscape. A great many things have been said about him, most of which are, unfortunately, true. However, here are a few things that Johnny wants to make it perfectly clear did not happen.

He did not "put Lee Harvey Oswald up to it." Those photos show a much taller man.

That photo of him Cossack dancing with Fidel Castro was obviously a fake. Johnny does not dance.

He is not a patrilineal descendant of Rasputin, though his mother was.

All six of those hookers slipped and fell.

Johnny has not killed men on every continent. He has an allergy to penguins.

He "Is not a crook."

He did not tell Schwarzenegger that "Kindergarten Cop" sounded like a really good idea.

Even if that submarine did go missing, and even if there were nuclear missiles on board it, Johnny was getting a pedicure that day.

Johnny does not have an allergy to penguins.

That was not Johnny's bomb. He was holding it for a friend.

Johnny was not the evil genius behind "The Macarena." That was some other evil genius entirely.
Alright, it was Henry Kissinger.

That other hooker slipped and fell, too.

Johnny never said he "drank his own weight in vodka in a day." It was "Michael Moore's weight."

Johnny does not have a "Tornado Machine."

While Johnny will agree that he has a certain "animal magnetism" those photos with the goat definitely show a much taller man.

Johnny's hat was not made from kittens. Well, not live kittens anyway. Certainly the kittens are not alive now.

Those 3 hookers in Vladivostok? Slipped and fell.

That was not Johnny with the tele-photo lens and three pairs of Natalie Portman's underwear, no matter what the arrest report said.

The panda died of natural causes. And those photos show a much taller man. He's never seen the video so he can't comment.

Johnny was not the original manager for "Tatu."

That whole Trotsky thing was just a tragic accident. How could Johnny know Trotsky was so clumsy he would slip and fall on his icepick 6 times in a row?

Johnny does not "bathe in the blood of the innocent." He may use a little "powdered extract of the innocent" as a light facial cream however.

Johnny did not make his first fortune in the topiary business.

And finally,

Johnny was not even in Prague the day those hookers slipped and fell, though he did arrive on a business trip the following week.