Boom! Shake-shake-shake the room!

Johnny the Red is very concerned over the issue of nuclear weapon proliferation. It is a serious issue with potentially dire consequences for the future of the world. As such, Johnny firmly believes that nuclear weapon possession must be restricted to the United States, countries that are historical allies of the United States, countries that the United States would like to sell nuclear weapons to, and totalitarian communist regimes that the United States does not want to annoy, particularly as they supply low-cost manufacturing to US-based multi-national corporations.

As such, Johnny feels it is vitally important that the nuclear weapons programmes in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, Iran and, for that matter, anywhere else that doesn't produce its fair share of cheap, plastic novelty items be stopped immediately.

Nuclear weapons are a privilege, not a right. And that right must be earned - by making Johnny cheap running shoes.

Iran

People often ask about Johnny’s stance on Iran. Johnny doesn’t currently have one, but plans for his stance, shortly after he is elected, to be inside the smoking crater that used to be Tehran.

Johnny knows that Machiavelli was right when he wrote “there is no avoiding war; it can only be postponed to the advantage of others.”

Others such as Iran.

If we don’t strike quickly (preemptively, in fact) they will have the advantage.

What advantage? You might ask.

Why do you hate freedom? Johnny would reply.

Some of the commie pinko weirdos out there might argue that we need to wait, to be absolutely sure that it’s the right thing to do. They might point out that al-Qaeda-in-Iraq only formed after the invasion, and that attacking Iran could serve to rally malcontent elements into further acts of terrorism. But Johnny knows that this is not the time for half-measures or dithering about. If Hobbes was right when he wrote that the state is an artificial body of gigantic proportions, with judges as joints, and counselors as the memory, then Johnny the Red is America’s pair of enormous brass balls. He knows that the time to attack is now, and the place to attack is anywhere he isn’t sitting at the time. We need to get them before they get us. And “Them” is anyone who can’t count the Viking in their ancestry back to the Mayflower.

If you want to know the future of American foreign policy, picture Johnny the Red: a hawk on one wrist, a bald eagle on the other, and a dove shoved down the front of his pants, slowly suffocating to death.

Some doubting-thomases, un-swayed by the unassailable rightness of Johnny the Red's policy statements have suggested that they are, in fact, nonsense. That they are not solutions to the problems of the world, but simply non sequiturs justifying his own homicidal - or indeed genocidal - tendencies.

We suspect that these critics are probably communists, or terrorists, or communist terrorists, but unfortunately we cannot pursue this line of inquiry as they have all mysteriously met with unfortunate accidents. In any case we would like to point out to the internet in general that Mr the Red's strategies make perfect sense - that is, unless you are also a communist terrorist! However, we would like to clarify certain points.

Following the example of the current administration, Johnny is doing the following:

* Reducing unemployment by clubbing baby seals to death
* Protecting the environment by refusing to sign the Kyoto accord
* Fixing the economy by giving nuns wedgies
* Protecting the world from a Saudi Arabian terrorist by invading Afghanistan
* Raising literacy rates by burning orphanages
* Protecting the world from a Saudi Arabian terrorist by invading Iraq
* Reducing the cost of health care by chopping down ancient redwood forests
* Increasing funding to the arts by torturing prisoners in Guantanamo Bay
* Protecting the world from the nuclear threat posed by North Korea by
looking for an excuse to invade Iran