Johnny the Red

Some doubting-thomases, un-swayed by the unassailable rightness of Johnny the Red's policy statements have suggested that they are, in fact, nonsense. That they are not solutions to the problems of the world, but simply non sequiturs justifying his own homicidal - or indeed genocidal - tendencies.

We suspect that these critics are probably communists, or terrorists, or communist terrorists, but unfortunately we cannot pursue this line of inquiry as they have all mysteriously met with unfortunate accidents. In any case we would like to point out to the internet in general that Mr the Red's strategies make perfect sense - that is, unless you are also a communist terrorist! However, we would like to clarify certain points.

Following the example of the current administration, Johnny is doing the following:

* Reducing unemployment by clubbing baby seals to death
* Protecting the environment by refusing to sign the Kyoto accord
* Fixing the economy by giving nuns wedgies
* Protecting the world from a Saudi Arabian terrorist by invading Afghanistan
* Raising literacy rates by burning orphanages
* Protecting the world from a Saudi Arabian terrorist by invading Iraq
* Reducing the cost of health care by chopping down ancient redwood forests
* Increasing funding to the arts by torturing prisoners in Guantanamo Bay
* Protecting the world from the nuclear threat posed by North Korea by
looking for an excuse to invade Iran