Tuesday, September 30, 2008


Well known Zionist Homosexualist Communist Edward R Murrow once said "We cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home."

Johnny doesn't necessarily dispute this statement, but Johnny also believes in giving the American public what they want.

The American public have twice now (well, once really, but that's what electoral fraud is for) voted for an administration which is doing exactly what Murrow warned against.

If you didn't like it, you wouldn't keep voting for it. HL Mencken once wrote: "Democracy is the theory that holds that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard", and Johnny thinks so too. George W Bush lied to the American public about weapons of mass destruction in order to invade Iraq, which resulted in the deaths of countless American men and women, and to pass the PATRIOT act, which curbed civil liberties on a level unimagined outside of a George Orwell novel. And you all voted him back in.

You'd vote him in a third time if you could, just so he could kill more of you and take away the few remaining freedoms you currently retain, but there's that pesky two-term rule. So vote for the person who knows what you want: More of the same.

Monday, September 29, 2008


We would like to take a moment to sincerely apologise to the people of Thailand. Johnny the Red believed, and still does believe that a trip abroad would help his credentials in the realm of foreign affairs (of which he has had many – often in Thailand - but that’s a whole other indictment). However, Johnny would like to apologise for his unnecessarily phonetic pronunciation of Phuket.

Although pronouncing the “H” is, arguably, a forgivable mistake, Johnny now realises that continually saying it that way, even after being repeatedly corrected, and giggling uncontrollably, was a faux pa.

We here at campaign headquarters are optimistic of more success during next week’s hopefully uneventful trip to Niger...

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Traitor of the Week: Henry Rollins

Welcome to the first of what we can only presume will be many installments of our new feature, Traitor of the Week, where, in the interests of national security, we highlight the traitorous, un-American activities of whichever communo-fascist has recently frothed against the sort of policies that Johnny knows will make America great.

To begin, we give you the communistic, fascistic, Zionistic rantings of Henry Rollins, singer, author, poet, spoken-word performer, actor and terrorist. In these two minutes of diseased raving, Rollins argues that freedom of speech should not be curtailed; a clearly wrong-headed position: If people are free to speak, they can say things that Johnny doesn’t like, and that will mean the terrorists have won.

We sent a team of highly trained killers to have an open and frank discussion with Mr Rollins about changing his views or having his liver ripped out while he was still alive, but the plan suffered from poor intelligence: to whit, no one told us that Rollins was a super-humanly strong golem who had been carved from granite, so he sent our assassins back to us in several rubbish bags.

The discussion will continue at a later date...

Friday, September 26, 2008


People often ask about Johnny’s stance on Iran. Johnny doesn’t currently have one, but plans for his stance, shortly after he is elected, to be inside the smoking crater that used to be Tehran.

Johnny knows that Machiavelli was right when he wrote “there is no avoiding war; it can only be postponed to the advantage of others.”

Others such as Iran.

If we don’t strike quickly (preemptively, in fact) they will have the advantage.

What advantage? You might ask.

Why do you hate freedom? Johnny would reply.

Some of the commie pinko weirdos out there might argue that we need to wait, to be absolutely sure that it’s the right thing to do. They might point out that al-Qaeda-in-Iraq only formed after the invasion, and that attacking Iran could serve to rally malcontent elements into further acts of terrorism. But Johnny knows that this is not the time for half-measures or dithering about. If Hobbes was right when he wrote that the state is an artificial body of gigantic proportions, with judges as joints, and counselors as the memory, then Johnny the Red is America’s pair of enormous brass balls. He knows that the time to attack is now, and the place to attack is anywhere he isn’t sitting at the time. We need to get them before they get us. And “Them” is anyone who can’t count the Viking in their ancestry back to the Mayflower.

If you want to know the future of American foreign policy, picture Johnny the Red: a hawk on one wrist, a bald eagle on the other, and a dove shoved down the front of his pants, slowly suffocating to death.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Some doubting-thomases, un-swayed by the unassailable rightness of Johnny the Red's policy statements have suggested that they are, in fact, nonsense. That they are not solutions to the problems of the world, but simply non sequiturs justifying his own homicidal - or indeed genocidal - tendencies.

We suspect that these critics are probably communists, or terrorists, or communist terrorists, but unfortunately we cannot pursue this line of inquiry as they have all mysteriously met with unfortunate accidents. In any case we would like to point out to the internet in general that Mr the Red's strategies make perfect sense - that is, unless you are also a communist terrorist! However, we would like to clarify certain points.

Following the example of the current administration, Johnny is doing the following:

* Reducing unemployment by clubbing baby seals to death
* Protecting the environment by refusing to sign the Kyoto accord
* Fixing the economy by giving nuns wedgies
* Protecting the world from a Saudi Arabian terrorist by invading Afghanistan
* Raising literacy rates by burning orphanages
* Protecting the world from a Saudi Arabian terrorist by invading Iraq
* Reducing the cost of health care by chopping down ancient redwood forests
* Increasing funding to the arts by torturing prisoners in Guantanamo Bay
* Protecting the world from the nuclear threat posed by North Korea by
looking for an excuse to invade Iran

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Johnny promises you security

Johnny promises you security. It's that simple.

Some sceptics may say that security cannot be so easily guaranteed, but for them, Johnny has news: Safety and contentment can be gained with five simple words.

"...then the terrorists have won."

Go on, try it for yourself.

Pick something you hate or don't understand: youth culture; modern music; brown people, and append it with "... then the terrorists have won."

Let's try an example:

If you... oh, let's say, eat meat on a Friday: then the terrorists have won.

And again:

If you... vote Democrat: then the terrorists have won.

And so on.

Doesn't that feel good? Five little words that can be added onto the end of any sentence to make you feel like you're right. Your views aren't just the narrow minded bigotry of a reactionary uneducated redneck, they're not just the mindless bleating of a pathetic bully blocking his ears and repeating the anthem in a desperate attempt to believe his own hegemonic lies. No - You're fighting terrorism. You are directly responsible for combating Osama Hussein, Mad Sheik of Saudi-Iranistan. Every time you call someone of Arabic decent a sand-nigger; every time you yell "Fuck off Osama!" at an Indian Sikh; every time you beat the hell out of someone for looking at you like a fag... Every time you do these things, you are protecting America from the terrorist threat. You're not a jingoistic zealot - You're a hero!

If you don’t vote for Johnny the Red, then the terrorists have won.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Vote Johnny, for change you can REALLY believe in

Can you trust Barack Obama to change things? Sure you can; his slogan is Change You Can Believe In, and he’s constantly saying how he’s going to bring about an end to the corruption and mismanagement of the last several years. If you need more proof, just look at these words from one of his speeches:

“We will show that politics, after a time of tarnished ideals, can be higher and better. We will give our country a fresh start after a season of cynicism.”

Inspiring stuff. Certainly makes me believe in him.

Wait, let me check my notes – oops, those aren’t Senator Obama’s words; they were said by George W Bush in 1999.

But I’m sure Obama means it when he says it – I mean, when was the last time a politician lied to advance their own agenda...?

Monday, September 22, 2008

A few quick denials

Johnny the Red is a colossus, striding the political landscape. A great many things have been said about him, most of which are, unfortunately, true. However, here are a few things that Johnny wants to make it perfectly clear did not happen.

He did not "put Lee Harvey Oswald up to it." Those photos show a much taller man.

That photo of him Cossack dancing with Fidel Castro was obviously a fake. Johnny does not dance.

He is not a patrilineal descendant of Rasputin, though his mother was.

All six of those hookers slipped and fell.

Johnny has not killed men on every continent. He has an allergy to penguins.

He "Is not a crook."

He did not tell Schwarzenegger that "Kindergarten Cop" sounded like a really good idea.

Even if that submarine did go missing, and even if there were nuclear missiles on board it, Johnny was getting a pedicure that day.

Johnny does not have an allergy to penguins.

That was not Johnny's bomb. He was holding it for a friend.

Johnny was not the evil genius behind "The Macarena." That was some other evil genius entirely.
Alright, it was Henry Kissinger.

That other hooker slipped and fell, too.

Johnny never said he "drank his own weight in vodka in a day." It was "Michael Moore's weight."

Johnny does not have a "Tornado Machine."

While Johnny will agree that he has a certain "animal magnetism" those photos with the goat definitely show a much taller man.

Johnny's hat was not made from kittens. Well, not live kittens anyway. Certainly the kittens are not alive now.

Those 3 hookers in Vladivostok? Slipped and fell.

That was not Johnny with the tele-photo lens and three pairs of Natalie Portman's underwear, no matter what the arrest report said.

The panda died of natural causes. And those photos show a much taller man. He's never seen the video so he can't comment.

Johnny was not the original manager for "Tatu."

That whole Trotsky thing was just a tragic accident. How could Johnny know Trotsky was so clumsy he would slip and fall on his icepick 6 times in a row?

Johnny does not "bathe in the blood of the innocent." He may use a little "powdered extract of the innocent" as a light facial cream however.

Johnny did not make his first fortune in the topiary business.

And finally,

Johnny was not even in Prague the day those hookers slipped and fell, though he did arrive on a business trip the following week.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Red like the blood of innocents

The time has come to announce the candidacy for President of The United States of America of Johnny the Red.

Many of you may ask yourselves: Who is Johnny the Red? Isn’t he that shadowy crime figure from the nineties who was implicated in a number of high-profile political assassinations? Hasn’t he acted as a “contractor” for almost every foreign power with an axe to grind against America? Didn’t he hold legitimate positions in the Reagan and George HW Bush administrations before being fired for a series of increasingly sexually bizarre decisions regarding foreign and domestic policy?

These are all valid questions, but can all be addressed with one simple answer: Stop asking questions or Johnny will cut you.

On to a more approved line of questioning: Why did Johnny decide to run for President?

Well, he looked for information about the Republican candidate, but all he could find were pictures of a shuffling, desiccated zombie standing next to someone who appeared to be the protagonist from Naughty Librarians 6: Return it through the slot.

Confused, he channel surfed for information on the Democratic candidate, and, after figuring out that the colour-hold on his television wasn’t broken, came to the conclusion that this wouldn’t be the hardest campaign to win.

So vote for Johnny the Red this November the fourth. He’ll know if you don’t, and he’ll come for you with a blowtorch.