Friday, September 26, 2008

Iran

People often ask about Johnny’s stance on Iran. Johnny doesn’t currently have one, but plans for his stance, shortly after he is elected, to be inside the smoking crater that used to be Tehran.

Johnny knows that Machiavelli was right when he wrote “there is no avoiding war; it can only be postponed to the advantage of others.”

Others such as Iran.

If we don’t strike quickly (preemptively, in fact) they will have the advantage.

What advantage? You might ask.

Why do you hate freedom? Johnny would reply.

Some of the commie pinko weirdos out there might argue that we need to wait, to be absolutely sure that it’s the right thing to do. They might point out that al-Qaeda-in-Iraq only formed after the invasion, and that attacking Iran could serve to rally malcontent elements into further acts of terrorism. But Johnny knows that this is not the time for half-measures or dithering about. If Hobbes was right when he wrote that the state is an artificial body of gigantic proportions, with judges as joints, and counselors as the memory, then Johnny the Red is America’s pair of enormous brass balls. He knows that the time to attack is now, and the place to attack is anywhere he isn’t sitting at the time. We need to get them before they get us. And “Them” is anyone who can’t count the Viking in their ancestry back to the Mayflower.

If you want to know the future of American foreign policy, picture Johnny the Red: a hawk on one wrist, a bald eagle on the other, and a dove shoved down the front of his pants, slowly suffocating to death.

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