Tuesday, November 04, 2008

“The reliance on quasi-satirical attacks on your opponents’ hypocrisy comes when you think you are losing and don’t know how to escape defeat.”

-Nick Cohen, What’s Left?

Monday, November 03, 2008

Johnny shares the love

Johnny the Red, the sexiest presidential candidate ever to wear a cocktail dress in the privacy of his own living room, has been considering the vitally important issue of Racism.

Quite frankly he couldn't give a fuck.

Whether you're an ahab, an adolf, an alabama blue gum, amo, argie, abbo, a beaner, Biffo, bluenose, bogan, bob-irish, bohunk, boonie, caker, charlie, chav, chink, clog wog, coconut, coon, cracker, culchie, dago, dogun, flapdragon, fritz, or frog; a dirty, stinking ginzo, a gollywog, a goober, gook, goomba, goreh, goy, greaseball, gringo, guinea, gweilo, gypo, hillbilly, honky, horse, hoser, husky, ikey, or irvingite; a fat, hornswoggling jackeen, a jatt, a jerry, a jim fish, a goddamn jock, kaffir, kike, kimchi, ladino, lebo, limey, makak, marrano, meatball, merkin, mick, moon cricket, or a monged ned; even if you're a newfie, a nig-nog, a nigger, nip, noggy, ocker, ofay, oreo, paddy or paki, a panhead, a papist, a parisite, a payo or peckerwood; a porch-mokey, pima, a porridge wog or a proddy; a raghead, ragtop, rasta, redneck or a rhineland bastard; a syphilitic crack-whore of a roman, a roundeye, sand-nigger, a sandgroper, a sawney, scouser, skip, slope, snowback, sootie, spaghetti-nigger, spic, spook or swamp yankee; a leperous taffy, taig, teapot, tinker, towelhead or twinky; a wetback, wigger, wog, yop or zhid - Johnny doesn't care one whit.

Because Johnny despises you all equally. But as long as he needs someone work down at the mine, press his shirts, and jerk-off in his coffee, Johnny will keep you safe from anyone who might harm you.*

... except Polacks. Johnny fucking hates Polacks.

* This, of course, is assuming you vote for Johnny. If you don't vote for Johnny the last thing you should be worrying about is someone calling you fricking names, you damn Welsh pansy.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Fear of the black pajamas

Johnny the Red, the finest presidential candidate the United States has ever seen, has been considering the vitally important issue of Ninjas.

He's against them.

This is not, as some might suspect, because ninjas killed his family. No, Johnny recognises that it might be churlish to hate ninjas on this basis, since, to be fair, he gave them the contract in the first place. But what cannot be forgiven is how much they overcharged him. And of course, since 98% of ninjas are Japanese, they are taking jobs away from God-Fearing Patriotic Americans, like Biker gangs and Crack-addicts.

But wait, it gets worse. If those poor crack-addicts can't find honest work killing for money, how will they find the money for a dime bag? And if no one buys crack, what happens to those fine examples of American entrepreneurship, the drug dealers?

Worse yet, we can hardly have a war on drugs if the whole drug culture has undergone a financial collapse. Sure, some of the "law enforcement professionals" who previously made their livings warring on drugs can instead be dedicated to the war on terror, but there are only so many darkies needing arrest and torture. Most of them are going to end up unemployed - when your only skill is “beating out a confession”, there just aren't many options.

Before we know it, those dirty foreigners, with their black pajamas and shiny throwing-stars will have destroyed the entire US economy. So when you need that friend, spouse, family member, business associate, or bastard who's fucking your mistress,brutally and horrifically murdered, buy American, and keep your country working. It's the patriotic thing to do.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

The search

At this late date in the campaign, we must turn our thoughts to an appropriate running mate for Johnny. We need a person with the right mix of malign stupidity, passionately corrupt self-interest, and proclivity for jackboot diplomacy; unfortunately George W Bush can't run again, and Richard Nixon is dead.

Hmm. I wonder what Ann Coulter is doing?

Friday, October 31, 2008


In his last press communiqué, Johnny made reference to how he had "surrounded himself with a crack team of top international economists". Regrettably, this was a transcription error. What Johnny actually meant to say was "I'm surrounded by a bunch of teamster crack-addicts and incontinent alcoholics, who could top themselves at any moment".

Our apologies for any confusion that might have been caused.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Traitor of the week

This week’s traitor is the reprehensible Keith Olbermann, host of MSNBC’s Countdown. While we could spent all night giving a blow by blow account of his crimes against right thinking Americans, that would take the sort of time we just don’t have (those hookers aren’t going to bury themselves, you know). So, as a summary of his anti-American sentiment, we offer this vitriolic rant, where he seems to imply that people need habeas corpus for some reason.


Wednesday, October 29, 2008


In the latest in our series profiling the members of Johnny’s cabinet, we present the man who put the laughter into slaughter, and the ha ha ha into hate hate hate: Rambozo the Clown.

Many have questioned Johnny’s wisdom in affording so high a place in his cabinet to the mysterious man some people call Ku Klux Klown. However, Johnny shows great loyalty to the man he calls “Uncle Rambozo”, and counts him as a close confidante and trusted advisor.

Rumoured to have known Johnny since the latter’s days being raised in a circus, Rambozo has been credited with teaching him the art of surprise in combat. Johnny confirms this, saying: “When my enemies see me pulling up in a mini, they think I’m alone, but thanks to what Rambozo taught me, there’s a fucking army in the boot.”

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Women's issues

Some seem to feel that Johnny the Red does not respect women. This is simply not true. Johnny respects women, though not necessarily in the morning. To be blunt, he is not a morning person, and does not really respect anyone before his Eleven O'Clock vodka.

Now you may have heard stories associating Johnny with supposed "dead hookers." Johnny assures us that was a much taller man, and he was visiting his mother at the time.

Johnny the Red has the utmost respect for women. And not just because of their "fun-bags." Actually, he's more of a "leg-man."

Monday, October 27, 2008

The buzz

A question we often get asked here at the Johnny the Red for President of the United States campaign headquarters is: "What is Johnny's policy on killer bees?"

Johnny is against them.

It was around about ten years ago, and Johnny was on a job in South Africa - something to do with diamonds. Anyway, Johnny had been staking out the target for days, but could never get a clear shot for all the bodyguards. Finally, he got a line of sight through the hired thugs. Unfortunately, unknown to Johnny, a killer bee had crawled up his trousers and chose that exact moment to sting him someplace sensitive.

Johnny wound up firing three hundred rounds into a passing flock of rare birds.

Needless to say, even the thickest of the hired thugs spotted Johnny at that point. So he had no choice but to kill them all. With his teeth.

And if there's one thing Johnny hates, it's a freebie.

After killing them all, with no one else in sight, Johnny had no other option than to suck the poison out himself. Fortunately, he'd just spent six weeks posing as a Latvian aerobics instructor, so his flexibility was at its peak.

But that's another story. The point is: "Say no to killer bees."

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Johnny and the cash

For immediate release.

Johnny the Red - the very next President of the United States - releases his policy on the economy.

He's for it.

More specifically, Johnny feels that the trade imbalance with China is one of the most important issues facing the American economy today. As such, he proposes that we "shoot the little, yellow bastards." Furthermore, he assures us that "If America does not have enough guns already, I can sell them to you very cheap. Good quality AK-47. Very reasonable prices."

Johnny does not, of course, mean that we should kill all of the Chinese. He is very fond of Kung-Pao chicken, and someone has to cook it for him. No, he just believes we should "kill the ones who are imbalancing the trade."

Johnny is also concerned at the "off-shoring" of American jobs. He promises that under his presidency, he will cut down the off-shoring by making sure that all of his killing is contracted to "good, honest American hit-men."

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Hunting big game

Johnny the Red often finds himself asked, by unscrupulous journalists, about the remarkable number of his "business associates" who have died in mysterious "hunting accidents." Johnny's response to these questions has always been consistent and unequivocal.

"What accidents?"

However, this does bring up another important question. Hunting is a sport - and a lifestyle - that is close to the hearts of many Americans. Many of them want to know: "What is Johnny's stand on hunting?"

Johnny has never seen a bear, a deer or a rabbit use a gun, and just doesn't see the sport in hunting anything that can't shoot back. Still, if that's what makes you happy, he feels you should go right ahead.

Though, if you're wise, you should probably do it someplace Johnny isn't, because when Johnny shoots you in the face, it won't be with bird shot.

Friday, October 24, 2008

You are the problem

The true genius of the glorious American political system is not that we gave you democracy - it is that we gave you too much democracy.

In this country you can vote for anything. You always have the power and the choice. We made every position of even the tiniest consequence an elected one. You can always choose. And so, you don't.

No, instead, you sit at home on your couch and complain. You complain about everything they do. But you will not get up off your couch and vote.

This is a lesson that McDonalds learnt. You complained that their food wasn't healthy enough, and so they offered you healthier food. You didn't buy it, because you never really wanted healthy food. So now, instead of offering you healthier food, they produce ads saying that their food is healthy.

You never wanted healthy food. You just wanted someone to tell you it was okay to eat hamburgers.

You don't want change; you want the illusion of change. That is why we gave you too much choice. You want us to tell you that you are free because that way you can relax and enjoy your slavery.

So come election day, stay on your couch. Let Johnny and his corporate friends take care of democracy for you. It's really too much trouble, and you'll be much happier on the couch.

Johnny promises to give you exactly what you want - more of the same - and to tell you that it's something new and better.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Hugging the tree-line

Johnny has recently found himself becoming increasingly concerned about environmental issues. Specifically, he is deeply worried about the state of our nation's forests.

Deforestation has, for decades, been damaging our nation’s eco-diversity by eliminating the natural habitats of many of our indigenous species. But, more importantly, if we destroy our forests, where will the hitmen, wiseguys and assassins of tomorrow hide the bodies? Hoffa didn't go and put himself through the woodchipper at Uncle Vinnie's farm in the Ozarks, you know?

Sure, many in the industry have argued that with the far more modern options offered by concrete that forests really have little place in the life of today’s contract killer, and besides, who really wants to get their patent leather shoes muddy? And that's true to an extent – certainly Johnny has never been afraid to avail himself of the opportunities that concrete offers. Nonetheless, even allowing for the rapid expansion that our cities and their suburbs have undergone in recent years, it seems that no one's ever laying a new foundation when you really need them to.

Out of this concern was born Johnny's new plan to revitalise Arbor Day. The cornerstone of this is a new name. After all, the problem with a name like “Arbor Day,” is that you can never be too sure that people won't think it's just about taking out their boats. No, Johnny feels that what is really needed is a clearer name. As such, he will be renaming it: “Brutally murder your enemies and bury their dismembered corpse under a brand new tree day.”

There's a name that really leaves no doubt.

In addition, since many Americans may not feel up to the task of brutally murdering their enemies, Johnny will be offering services to help people out with the task at very reasonable prices.

Johnny the Red: Saving the environment, one bullet at a time.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Boom! Shake-shake-shake the room!

Johnny the Red is very concerned over the issue of nuclear weapon proliferation. It is a serious issue with potentially dire consequences for the future of the world. As such, Johnny firmly believes that nuclear weapon possession must be restricted to the United States, countries that are historical allies of the United States, countries that the United States would like to sell nuclear weapons to, and totalitarian communist regimes that the United States does not want to annoy, particularly as they supply low-cost manufacturing to US-based multi-national corporations.

As such, Johnny feels it is vitally important that the nuclear weapons programmes in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, Iran and, for that matter, anywhere else that doesn't produce its fair share of cheap, plastic novelty items be stopped immediately.

Nuclear weapons are a privilege, not a right. And that right must be earned - by making Johnny cheap running shoes.