Red like the blood of innocents

The time has come to announce the candidacy for President of The United States of America of Johnny the Red.

Many of you may ask yourselves: Who is Johnny the Red? Isn’t he that shadowy crime figure from the nineties who was implicated in a number of high-profile political assassinations? Hasn’t he acted as a “contractor” for almost every foreign power with an axe to grind against America? Didn’t he hold legitimate positions in the Reagan and George HW Bush administrations before being fired for a series of increasingly sexually bizarre decisions regarding foreign and domestic policy?

These are all valid questions, but can all be addressed with one simple answer: Stop asking questions or Johnny will cut you.

On to a more approved line of questioning: Why did Johnny decide to run for President?

Well, he looked for information about the Republican candidate, but all he could find were pictures of a shuffling, desiccated zombie standing next to someone who appeared to be the protagonist from Naughty Librarians 6: Return it through the slot.

Confused, he channel surfed for information on the Democratic candidate, and, after figuring out that the colour-hold on his television wasn’t broken, came to the conclusion that this wouldn’t be the hardest campaign to win.

So vote for Johnny the Red this November the fourth. He’ll know if you don’t, and he’ll come for you with a blowtorch.