Tuesday, November 04, 2008

“The reliance on quasi-satirical attacks on your opponents’ hypocrisy comes when you think you are losing and don’t know how to escape defeat.”

-Nick Cohen, What’s Left?

Monday, November 03, 2008

Johnny shares the love

Johnny the Red, the sexiest presidential candidate ever to wear a cocktail dress in the privacy of his own living room, has been considering the vitally important issue of Racism.

Quite frankly he couldn't give a fuck.

Whether you're an ahab, an adolf, an alabama blue gum, amo, argie, abbo, a beaner, Biffo, bluenose, bogan, bob-irish, bohunk, boonie, caker, charlie, chav, chink, clog wog, coconut, coon, cracker, culchie, dago, dogun, flapdragon, fritz, or frog; a dirty, stinking ginzo, a gollywog, a goober, gook, goomba, goreh, goy, greaseball, gringo, guinea, gweilo, gypo, hillbilly, honky, horse, hoser, husky, ikey, or irvingite; a fat, hornswoggling jackeen, a jatt, a jerry, a jim fish, a goddamn jock, kaffir, kike, kimchi, ladino, lebo, limey, makak, marrano, meatball, merkin, mick, moon cricket, or a monged ned; even if you're a newfie, a nig-nog, a nigger, nip, noggy, ocker, ofay, oreo, paddy or paki, a panhead, a papist, a parisite, a payo or peckerwood; a porch-mokey, pima, a porridge wog or a proddy; a raghead, ragtop, rasta, redneck or a rhineland bastard; a syphilitic crack-whore of a roman, a roundeye, sand-nigger, a sandgroper, a sawney, scouser, skip, slope, snowback, sootie, spaghetti-nigger, spic, spook or swamp yankee; a leperous taffy, taig, teapot, tinker, towelhead or twinky; a wetback, wigger, wog, yop or zhid - Johnny doesn't care one whit.

Because Johnny despises you all equally. But as long as he needs someone work down at the mine, press his shirts, and jerk-off in his coffee, Johnny will keep you safe from anyone who might harm you.*

... except Polacks. Johnny fucking hates Polacks.

* This, of course, is assuming you vote for Johnny. If you don't vote for Johnny the last thing you should be worrying about is someone calling you fricking names, you damn Welsh pansy.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Fear of the black pajamas

Johnny the Red, the finest presidential candidate the United States has ever seen, has been considering the vitally important issue of Ninjas.

He's against them.

This is not, as some might suspect, because ninjas killed his family. No, Johnny recognises that it might be churlish to hate ninjas on this basis, since, to be fair, he gave them the contract in the first place. But what cannot be forgiven is how much they overcharged him. And of course, since 98% of ninjas are Japanese, they are taking jobs away from God-Fearing Patriotic Americans, like Biker gangs and Crack-addicts.

But wait, it gets worse. If those poor crack-addicts can't find honest work killing for money, how will they find the money for a dime bag? And if no one buys crack, what happens to those fine examples of American entrepreneurship, the drug dealers?

Worse yet, we can hardly have a war on drugs if the whole drug culture has undergone a financial collapse. Sure, some of the "law enforcement professionals" who previously made their livings warring on drugs can instead be dedicated to the war on terror, but there are only so many darkies needing arrest and torture. Most of them are going to end up unemployed - when your only skill is “beating out a confession”, there just aren't many options.

Before we know it, those dirty foreigners, with their black pajamas and shiny throwing-stars will have destroyed the entire US economy. So when you need that friend, spouse, family member, business associate, or bastard who's fucking your mistress,brutally and horrifically murdered, buy American, and keep your country working. It's the patriotic thing to do.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

The search

At this late date in the campaign, we must turn our thoughts to an appropriate running mate for Johnny. We need a person with the right mix of malign stupidity, passionately corrupt self-interest, and proclivity for jackboot diplomacy; unfortunately George W Bush can't run again, and Richard Nixon is dead.

Hmm. I wonder what Ann Coulter is doing?