“The reliance on quasi-satirical attacks on your opponents’ hypocrisy comes when you think you are losing and don’t know how to escape defeat.”

-Nick Cohen, What’s Left?

Johnny shares the love

Johnny the Red, the sexiest presidential candidate ever to wear a cocktail dress in the privacy of his own living room, has been considering the vitally important issue of Racism.

Quite frankly he couldn't give a fuck.

Whether you're an ahab, an adolf, an alabama blue gum, amo, argie, abbo, a beaner, Biffo, bluenose, bogan, bob-irish, bohunk, boonie, caker, charlie, chav, chink, clog wog, coconut, coon, cracker, culchie, dago, dogun, flapdragon, fritz, or frog; a dirty, stinking ginzo, a gollywog, a goober, gook, goomba, goreh, goy, greaseball, gringo, guinea, gweilo, gypo, hillbilly, honky, horse, hoser, husky, ikey, or irvingite; a fat, hornswoggling jackeen, a jatt, a jerry, a jim fish, a goddamn jock, kaffir, kike, kimchi, ladino, lebo, limey, makak, marrano, meatball, merkin, mick, moon cricket, or a monged ned; even if you're a newfie, a nig-nog, a nigger, nip, noggy, ocker, ofay, oreo, paddy or paki, a panhead, a papist, a parisite, a payo or peckerwood; a porch-mokey, pima, a porridge wog or a proddy; a raghead, ragtop, rasta, redneck or a rhineland bastard; a syphilitic crack-whore of a roman, a roundeye, sand-nigger, a sandgroper, a sawney, scouser, skip, slope, snowback, sootie, spaghetti-nigger, spic, spook or swamp yankee; a leperous taffy, taig, teapot, tinker, towelhead or twinky; a wetback, wigger, wog, yop or zhid - Johnny doesn't care one whit.

Because Johnny despises you all equally. But as long as he needs someone work down at the mine, press his shirts, and jerk-off in his coffee, Johnny will keep you safe from anyone who might harm you.*



... except Polacks. Johnny fucking hates Polacks.



* This, of course, is assuming you vote for Johnny. If you don't vote for Johnny the last thing you should be worrying about is someone calling you fricking names, you damn Welsh pansy.

Fear of the black pajamas

Johnny the Red, the finest presidential candidate the United States has ever seen, has been considering the vitally important issue of Ninjas.

He's against them.

This is not, as some might suspect, because ninjas killed his family. No, Johnny recognises that it might be churlish to hate ninjas on this basis, since, to be fair, he gave them the contract in the first place. But what cannot be forgiven is how much they overcharged him. And of course, since 98% of ninjas are Japanese, they are taking jobs away from God-Fearing Patriotic Americans, like Biker gangs and Crack-addicts.

But wait, it gets worse. If those poor crack-addicts can't find honest work killing for money, how will they find the money for a dime bag? And if no one buys crack, what happens to those fine examples of American entrepreneurship, the drug dealers?

Worse yet, we can hardly have a war on drugs if the whole drug culture has undergone a financial collapse. Sure, some of the "law enforcement professionals" who previously made their livings warring on drugs can instead be dedicated to the war on terror, but there are only so many darkies needing arrest and torture. Most of them are going to end up unemployed - when your only skill is “beating out a confession”, there just aren't many options.

Before we know it, those dirty foreigners, with their black pajamas and shiny throwing-stars will have destroyed the entire US economy. So when you need that friend, spouse, family member, business associate, or bastard who's fucking your mistress，brutally and horrifically murdered, buy American, and keep your country working. It's the patriotic thing to do.

The search

At this late date in the campaign, we must turn our thoughts to an appropriate running mate for Johnny. We need a person with the right mix of malign stupidity, passionately corrupt self-interest, and proclivity for jackboot diplomacy; unfortunately George W Bush can't run again, and Richard Nixon is dead.

Hmm. I wonder what Ann Coulter is doing?

Correction:

In his last press communiqué, Johnny made reference to how he had "surrounded himself with a crack team of top international economists". Regrettably, this was a transcription error. What Johnny actually meant to say was "I'm surrounded by a bunch of teamster crack-addicts and incontinent alcoholics, who could top themselves at any moment".

Our apologies for any confusion that might have been caused.

Traitor of the week

This week’s traitor is the reprehensible Keith Olbermann, host of MSNBC’s Countdown. While we could spent all night giving a blow by blow account of his crimes against right thinking Americans, that would take the sort of time we just don’t have (those hookers aren’t going to bury themselves, you know). So, as a summary of his anti-American sentiment, we offer this vitriolic rant, where he seems to imply that people need habeas corpus for some reason.

Insanity.

Cabinet

In the latest in our series profiling the members of Johnny’s cabinet, we present the man who put the laughter into slaughter, and the ha ha ha into hate hate hate: Rambozo the Clown.

Many have questioned Johnny’s wisdom in affording so high a place in his cabinet to the mysterious man some people call Ku Klux Klown. However, Johnny shows great loyalty to the man he calls “Uncle Rambozo”, and counts him as a close confidante and trusted advisor.

Rumoured to have known Johnny since the latter’s days being raised in a circus, Rambozo has been credited with teaching him the art of surprise in combat. Johnny confirms this, saying: “When my enemies see me pulling up in a mini, they think I’m alone, but thanks to what Rambozo taught me, there’s a fucking army in the boot.”

Women's issues

Some seem to feel that Johnny the Red does not respect women. This is simply not true. Johnny respects women, though not necessarily in the morning. To be blunt, he is not a morning person, and does not really respect anyone before his Eleven O'Clock vodka.

Now you may have heard stories associating Johnny with supposed "dead hookers." Johnny assures us that was a much taller man, and he was visiting his mother at the time.

Johnny the Red has the utmost respect for women. And not just because of their "fun-bags." Actually, he's more of a "leg-man."

The buzz

A question we often get asked here at the Johnny the Red for President of the United States campaign headquarters is: "What is Johnny's policy on killer bees?"

Johnny is against them.

It was around about ten years ago, and Johnny was on a job in South Africa - something to do with diamonds. Anyway, Johnny had been staking out the target for days, but could never get a clear shot for all the bodyguards. Finally, he got a line of sight through the hired thugs. Unfortunately, unknown to Johnny, a killer bee had crawled up his trousers and chose that exact moment to sting him someplace sensitive.

Johnny wound up firing three hundred rounds into a passing flock of rare birds.

Needless to say, even the thickest of the hired thugs spotted Johnny at that point. So he had no choice but to kill them all. With his teeth.

And if there's one thing Johnny hates, it's a freebie.

After killing them all, with no one else in sight, Johnny had no other option than to suck the poison out himself. Fortunately, he'd just spent six weeks posing as a Latvian aerobics instructor, so his flexibility was at its peak.

But that's another story. The point is: "Say no to killer bees."

Johnny and the cash

For immediate release.

Johnny the Red - the very next President of the United States - releases his policy on the economy.

He's for it.

More specifically, Johnny feels that the trade imbalance with China is one of the most important issues facing the American economy today. As such, he proposes that we "shoot the little, yellow bastards." Furthermore, he assures us that "If America does not have enough guns already, I can sell them to you very cheap. Good quality AK-47. Very reasonable prices."

Johnny does not, of course, mean that we should kill all of the Chinese. He is very fond of Kung-Pao chicken, and someone has to cook it for him. No, he just believes we should "kill the ones who are imbalancing the trade."

Johnny is also concerned at the "off-shoring" of American jobs. He promises that under his presidency, he will cut down the off-shoring by making sure that all of his killing is contracted to "good, honest American hit-men."

Hunting big game

Johnny the Red often finds himself asked, by unscrupulous journalists, about the remarkable number of his "business associates" who have died in mysterious "hunting accidents." Johnny's response to these questions has always been consistent and unequivocal.

"What accidents?"

However, this does bring up another important question. Hunting is a sport - and a lifestyle - that is close to the hearts of many Americans. Many of them want to know: "What is Johnny's stand on hunting?"

Johnny has never seen a bear, a deer or a rabbit use a gun, and just doesn't see the sport in hunting anything that can't shoot back. Still, if that's what makes you happy, he feels you should go right ahead.

Though, if you're wise, you should probably do it someplace Johnny isn't, because when Johnny shoots you in the face, it won't be with bird shot.

You are the problem

The true genius of the glorious American political system is not that we gave you democracy - it is that we gave you too much democracy.

In this country you can vote for anything. You always have the power and the choice. We made every position of even the tiniest consequence an elected one. You can always choose. And so, you don't.

No, instead, you sit at home on your couch and complain. You complain about everything they do. But you will not get up off your couch and vote.

This is a lesson that McDonalds learnt. You complained that their food wasn't healthy enough, and so they offered you healthier food. You didn't buy it, because you never really wanted healthy food. So now, instead of offering you healthier food, they produce ads saying that their food is healthy.

You never wanted healthy food. You just wanted someone to tell you it was okay to eat hamburgers.

You don't want change; you want the illusion of change. That is why we gave you too much choice. You want us to tell you that you are free because that way you can relax and enjoy your slavery.

So come election day, stay on your couch. Let Johnny and his corporate friends take care of democracy for you. It's really too much trouble, and you'll be much happier on the couch.

Johnny promises to give you exactly what you want - more of the same - and to tell you that it's something new and better.

Hugging the tree-line

Johnny has recently found himself becoming increasingly concerned about environmental issues. Specifically, he is deeply worried about the state of our nation's forests.

Deforestation has, for decades, been damaging our nation’s eco-diversity by eliminating the natural habitats of many of our indigenous species. But, more importantly, if we destroy our forests, where will the hitmen, wiseguys and assassins of tomorrow hide the bodies? Hoffa didn't go and put himself through the woodchipper at Uncle Vinnie's farm in the Ozarks, you know?

Sure, many in the industry have argued that with the far more modern options offered by concrete that forests really have little place in the life of today’s contract killer, and besides, who really wants to get their patent leather shoes muddy? And that's true to an extent – certainly Johnny has never been afraid to avail himself of the opportunities that concrete offers. Nonetheless, even allowing for the rapid expansion that our cities and their suburbs have undergone in recent years, it seems that no one's ever laying a new foundation when you really need them to.

Out of this concern was born Johnny's new plan to revitalise Arbor Day. The cornerstone of this is a new name. After all, the problem with a name like “Arbor Day,” is that you can never be too sure that people won't think it's just about taking out their boats. No, Johnny feels that what is really needed is a clearer name. As such, he will be renaming it: “Brutally murder your enemies and bury their dismembered corpse under a brand new tree day.”

There's a name that really leaves no doubt.

In addition, since many Americans may not feel up to the task of brutally murdering their enemies, Johnny will be offering services to help people out with the task at very reasonable prices.

Johnny the Red: Saving the environment, one bullet at a time.

Boom! Shake-shake-shake the room!

Johnny the Red is very concerned over the issue of nuclear weapon proliferation. It is a serious issue with potentially dire consequences for the future of the world. As such, Johnny firmly believes that nuclear weapon possession must be restricted to the United States, countries that are historical allies of the United States, countries that the United States would like to sell nuclear weapons to, and totalitarian communist regimes that the United States does not want to annoy, particularly as they supply low-cost manufacturing to US-based multi-national corporations.

As such, Johnny feels it is vitally important that the nuclear weapons programmes in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, Iran and, for that matter, anywhere else that doesn't produce its fair share of cheap, plastic novelty items be stopped immediately.

Nuclear weapons are a privilege, not a right. And that right must be earned - by making Johnny cheap running shoes.

Answering the big question

No matter how much you believe that Johnny the Red is the ideal candidate to become the next President of the United States, you may, at some point find yourself wondering: "Why would I vote for a sociopathic killer who's only motivation is the money he is paid by multinational corporations to further their despicable interests?"

Well, I'd say: "Because at least Johnny's honest about it."

Of course, if that doesn't settle all your doubts, there is also Johnny's "Vote for me or I'll shoot you in the face" policy to consider.

A dollar saved is a country earned

There has been much discussion during this campaign as to whether or not the US forces should leave Iraq.

Johnny, frankly, is all in favour of bringing the boys home.

Frankly, he despises the inefficiency of the US government run efforts in Iraq. It has been consistently demonstrated that if you really want to fuck up a country, you need to contract it out to the private sector.

The American private sector has offered far more fuck-up-the-country-and-oppress-the-locals bang for the taxpayers dollar than any government-run operation could ever hope to.

This war has been far more successfully privatised than any other in history - but Johnny still thinks it needs to be taken further. The core of the job - the killing and torturing - is still being undertaken by government employees. Johnny believes we can see a huge improvement in the economic efficiency of the operation by privatising this core, too.

As such, when you elect him president, Johnny promises to outsource all military actions to his "associates" in the "industry."

Why

Pundits, political commentators, and people who don’t know when to mind their own business in general have been asking recently: exactly why exactly does Johnny the Red want to be President?

Growing up, total hegemonic domination was a childhood dream of Mr. the Red, but he could never decide how best to go about it. At first he planned to make some long-term investments, then go into a death-like trance for 200 years, awaking as the all-powerful financial ruler of the world. But frankly, who has that kind of time?

Option two was to declare war on the world, and attempt, by force of arms, to conquer all of the peace loving sovereign nations of the Earth. However, in consultation with his advisers, Johnny realised that he might not be guaranteed a victory.

Option three was become President of the United States of America. It’s essentially the same as option two, but with the backing of the largest and most powerful military and industrial complex in the world.

Mailbag

In the latest selection from the mailbag, concerned citizen Guy Montag asks:

“Is it because we’re having so much fun at home we’ve forgotten the rest of the world? Is it because we’re so rich and the rest of the world’s so poor and we just don’t care if they are? I’ve heard rumours; the world is starving, but we’re well-fed. Is it true, the world works hard and we play? Is that why we’re hated so much?”

Johnny answers:

No, the real reason the world hates America is because of our Freedom.

Don’t listen to anyone who says that it is because of our economic policies; our interventionalist foreign policy; our corruption; our lying to the United Nations. The only reason we are hated is because of our Freedom. Anyone who says anything different is speaking out of hate. Hate for our Freedom.

In this country you are free not to have gay marriages. You are free to be persecuted for having the sex of your choice in the many states that have ignored the 2003 Supreme Court ruling that declared sodomy laws unconstitutional. You are free to have your phone tapped and your library borrowing record examined. You are free to be detained in a foreign country without trial, and tortured. You are free to be taught that evolution is a lie. You are free to have an unwanted child in the eighty-seven counties of the United States that have no abortion-providers. You are free to have your organisation denied funding unless you are a faith-based program.

And the best thing?

You’re free to enjoy it.

Have you ever felt that nagging sense of unease? You know the one - that existential feeling of "off-ness", like there's something wrong, but you can't name it. Like there's something that you forgot, or maybe something that everyone except you forgot, but you don't know what it is. Like there's something out there - huge, overwhelming, but at the same time banal. Like there are secret things happening all around you, but that you're not a part of them. That suspicion that interesting and unknowable and esoteric things are happening in the background of your day to day life, but vanish when you turn to where you thought you caught a glimpse of them. Not so much the feeling that you left the door unlocked, but rather the feeling that a stranger has the key, and important meetings are happening in your kitchen while you waste the day at work. The hope that the world is a stranger place than your parents and your teachers and your government tell you. The fear that it is. And also the fear that it isn't.


That feeling is Johnny watching you.

Remember this when you go to the polls in November.

And sleep tight.

Hate

In his meditation On the pleasure of hating, William Hazlitt said that “without something to hate, we should lose the very spring of thought and action. Life would turn into a stagnant pool, were it not ruffled by the jarring interests, the unruly passions of men.”

Johnny understands hate. He understands that hate is necessary, and it is easier than love. Love is complicated and annoying – hate is easy and sharp; like a really good knife. To hate is to be a good American.

Now, there are some who will dispute this, but think about it: The government are good Americans, right? They love America. They are patriots. They condemn politicians for not wearing flag pins on their lapels. No matter what one thinks of their policies, there has never been any talk that the government might not be anything other than textbook definitions of good, patriotic Americans.

Now, let’s examine what makes them good Americans...

Do they feel any love, or even a mildly friendly disposition towards other Americans? Before you answer, let’s just remember the response to Hurricane Katrina. Or the lag-time in dealing with the sub-prime mortgage crisis. Or the state of Walter Reed Army Medical Hospital before the press got wind of how veterans were being treated.

So, it seems that to be a good American, one doesn’t necessarily need to be too worried about other Americans.

So, love, concern and such other communistic ideas, none have anything to do with being a good American. However, let’s look at hate...

Did the government hate Saddam Hussein and his Baath Party, even though they were in charge when America And Iraq were allies during the eighties, and that it had no links with al-Qaeda before the US invasion?

They did.

Do they hate Iran? Sure they do. They hate it enough to know that it must be invaded, even though there is no more of an exit-plan than they had with Iraq, even though it would rally the so-called Islamo-fascist movement and bolster its ranks a thousand fold.

Do they hate North Korea because of the aggressive pursuit of nuclear weapons and their gross human rights abuses against their citizenry?

Actually, that one hasn’t come up.

There haven’t been any righteous declarations of anger or hatred towards this one-time member of the Axis of evil. In fact, recent talks with the North Korean government have been hailed as a triumph of diplomacy.

You don’t need to hate North Korea. You need to hate who you’re told to hate – like good Americans.

To hate is to be a good American. Vote for Johnny the Red: The best American.

War

When asked about war, Johnny’s response is usually something along the lines of “Where’s my fucking payment? That was high quality merchandise I sold you, Mohammad, and I demand that you make good on your end of the deal!”

However, now that he is running for President, Johnny has been asked to give a more general statement on his opinion of the state of war, in Iraq, in Afghanistan and the war on terror in general.

He’s for it.

Johnny realises what many people (the current government of the United States excepted) don’t: that war is a really good way of drumming up votes, fixing the economy (well, the economy of CEOs of large weapons manufacturers) and turning public opinion to your favour. Perfect for someone seeking political advancement.

Johnny sees the truth in the statement by Prussian general Carl von Clausewitz, who said that “war is the continuation of politics by other means.”

Of course, it could be argued that the methods Johnny was using in the first place were already pretty war-like. So let’s just say that war is the continuation of Johnny getting what he wants by more extreme – but essentially unchanged – means.

Fidelity

Johnny the Red is a firm believer in democracy; and practices it in all areas of his life.

All areas.

It was that great political commentator HL Mencken who said that “Adultery is democracy applied to love.”

Johnny was being democratic, dammit.

So Ilsa, if you’re reading this, he was just engaging in democracy. Please disarm the booby traps so we can talk about this...

Cabinet

The first look at members of Johnny's cabinet, the inner circle who will help him run America. This week, Ilsa.


When asked his opinion on Ilsa, Johnny said “She’s a filthy, disgusting whore with only the sketchiest concept of the difference between right and wrong. I admire that in a woman.”

A mainstay of Johnny’s presidential campaign, this genetically cloned sex-vampire is credited with bringing a certain “edge” to the staff meetings – the fifteen inch hunting knife she uses to bone, joint and gut any members of the cabinet who disagree with Johnny’s policy ideas. Or her policy ideas. Or who forget to bring donuts to the meeting. Even if it wasn’t their turn.

All attempts to procure an in-depth interview with Ilsa proved fruitless, as interviewers regularly returned complaining that they had been horribly physically and emotionally abused by Ilsa, who told them: “Stop your sissy-mary whining – if you didn’t like being treated this way, you wouldn’t have transferred the money to my account. And clean your blood off the sheets before you go. Actually, on second thoughts, don’t...”

The Past

Condaleeza Rice in May of this year, responding to allegations in Scott McClellan’s book ‘What Happened’ that the Bush administration knew the intelligence on Iraq’s links to terrorism was flawed:

“You can’t transplant yourself into the present and say we should have known things that we, in fact, did not know in 2001, 2002, 2003. The record on weapons of mass destruction was one that appeared to be very clear.”

Yes, it appeared to be very clear indeed. The weapons inspectors stated categorically that there were no WMD. Ambassador Joe Wilson gave evidence that the reports of yellowcake uranium from Niger were erroneous. It appeared to be very clear indeed that there were no WMD in Iraq.

However, that is not what you want to hear. You want to hear Secretary Rice say that there was no way you could have known, so that you can still feel justified for supporting the rush to war.

Johnny will tell you the past the way you want it to have been.

Johnny knows that none of the problems facing America are due to your apathy, your ineptitude, your willingness to be led down the easy path by a corrupt government, rather than going to the effort of forming your own judgements based on evidence and common sense. You couldn’t have known. It’s not your fault.

Johnny won’t make you face up to your past – he’ll condemn you to repeat it.

Dear John

We get large amounts of mail from our readers, usually from kind people who dearly wish to pray for Johnny's immortal soul. And he's touched. But occasionally we also get messages from people who disagree with Johnny's policy positions. We'd like to share one of those letters, and Johnny's response, with you:

Dear "Johnny the Red" (if that is your real name)

I'm not too sure that your "Vote for me or I'll shoot you in the face" policy is feasible. After all, there are several hundred million Americans of potential voters across the nation - and while Santa can manage to deliver all those presents on Christmas Eve, I'm not sure the spirit of Kris Kringle extends to homicidal maniacs.

Surely this is a fatal flaw to your threats?

Bob Morton, Spokse Indiana

Dear Bob

Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I'd like to answer your question with a question: Specifically, why on earth did you call your golden-haired Labrador "Binky"? And when are you going to get around to painting your house, you know the house you live currently in at 1567 Rocky Road with your lovely wife Molly. Gosh, that's a beautiful red dress she's wearing. By the way, how's the IVF going? Being childless at your age (42) must be such a blow to one's manhood, don't you think?

I think a lot about politics, Bob, but I think more about people. I make it my business to know what the average joe cares deeply about, because that knowledge leads to a little something called "leverage". And right now Bob, what I know about you is ... you're going to need a new dog.

Happy voting, Citizen.

love,
Johnny.

Individualism

Theodore Dalrymple said:

“The extreme individualism of our time - a poisonous concoction of rampant consumerism and belief in the endowment of the individual with endless, but largely denied, rights - is not conducive to good manners or consideration for others in the small interactions of daily life. No nation of perpetually disgruntled shoppers will ever be notable for the grace of its daily conduct.”

Johnny understands that you are more important than others – that sense of entitlement you feel is valid. People are wrong to think that they matter as much as you. When people stand in front of you in a queue, when they take out DVDs and library books you want – they’re doing it purposely to spite you.

Johnny understands that it’s all about you.

The Golden Rule

Johnny the Red - resplendent in this season’s latest handgun - is often asked for his opinion on the so-called Golden Rule: that you should always look out for number one.

He’s for it.

Whatever you do, wherever you go, whatever challenges life throws in your path, you must always and only ever look out for number one. Looking out for number one must be your top priority.

Johnny is number one.

In terms of priorities on which to order your life: Johnny is number one. Johnny’s presidential campaign is number two, and Johnny having lots of money and some alone time with a group of very experienced and morally ambiguous ladies of the night is a close third.

You are number six.

Kafka

There are those who say that if Johnny is elected, the country will be plunged into a Kafka-esque nightmare. To everyone who says that, we’d like to first draw your attention to this excerpt from The Trial:

The accused had no access to the documents in the case and it was very difficult to draw conclusions from the hearings themselves about the documents on which they were based, and especially so for the defendant, diffident after all, and distracted by all sorts of worries. This is where defence counsel would intervene. As a rule defence counsel were not permitted to be present during hearings, so after each hearing they had to question the accused about the hearing, right at the courtroom door if possible, and extract from his often very jumbled reports whatever might be useful for the defence.

Secondly, we’d like to draw your attention to Guantanamo Bay.



You already live in a Kafka-esque nightmare. You may as well vote for the candidate who will treat you like the cockroach you are.

When cloning is outlawed, only outlaws will have clones...

People have asked what Johnny’s attitude to genetic engineering is.

He’s for it.

Alarmists, conspiracy theorists and hippies have presented a skewed idea of what genetic engineering is; a scare-mongering idea. All GE actually is, is selective mixing of genetic material, which, objectively, is not a bad thing.

Eight thousand years ago, the inhabitants of Thailand domesticated the majestic Red Jungle Fowl for use in religious ceremonies. They started to selectively breed the larger birds to create a food-animal, resulting in a slightly less majestic, but meatier bird. These days, we call that bird the chicken.

That’s right; chickens were genetically engineered. Does that blow your mind, hippy? But no one could argue that chickens are unnatural, could they?

And almost nine thousand years ago, inhabitants of the area now known as Turkey sowed and re-sowed specific strains of wild grass, specifically selecting mutations with tough ears that were edible and could more easily survive the cultivation process. These days we call this mutant grass wheat.

That’s right; wheat was genetically engineered. Does that blow your mind, pinko? But no one could argue that wheat is unnatural, could they?

And in the closing days of the twentieth century, Johnny the Red came into possession of some ex-Nazi cloning technology, and, combining the choicest DNA from history’s worst war criminals; most attractive seductresses; and most sadistic prostitutes, grew himself a companion. These days, we call that vat-grown concubine Ilsa: She-Wolf of Johnny’s Pants.

That’s right; Ilsa was genetically engineered. Does that blow your mind, comrade? But no one could argue that Ilsa is unnatural, could they? (Unless, of course, they knew about her predilections involving farm animals, the corpses of politicians, and Johnny wearing a ball-gag and harness of Ilsa’s own design. Then the argument would be pretty straightforward.)

A word about enhanced interrogation...

A brief word on “enhanced interrogation techniques”. You know: torture...

“The barbarous custom of having men beaten who are suspected of having important secrets to reveal must be abolished. It has always been recognised that this way of interrogating men, by putting them to torture, produces nothing worthwhile. The poor wretches say anything that comes to their mind and what they think the interrogator wishes to know.”
-Napoleon

You know who opposes torture?

The French.

Do you want to be like the French?

And just in case you’re wondering what would be so bad about that, we’d just like to remind you that they eat frogs, snails and horses; and belittle the last hundred years of their military effectiveness by quoting Jed Babbin when he said “Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. You just leave a lot of useless, noisy baggage behind”.

Freedom

Well known Zionist Homosexualist Communist Edward R Murrow once said "We cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home."

Johnny doesn't necessarily dispute this statement, but Johnny also believes in giving the American public what they want.

The American public have twice now (well, once really, but that's what electoral fraud is for) voted for an administration which is doing exactly what Murrow warned against.

If you didn't like it, you wouldn't keep voting for it. HL Mencken once wrote: "Democracy is the theory that holds that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard", and Johnny thinks so too. George W Bush lied to the American public about weapons of mass destruction in order to invade Iraq, which resulted in the deaths of countless American men and women, and to pass the PATRIOT act, which curbed civil liberties on a level unimagined outside of a George Orwell novel. And you all voted him back in.

You'd vote him in a third time if you could, just so he could kill more of you and take away the few remaining freedoms you currently retain, but there's that pesky two-term rule. So vote for the person who knows what you want: More of the same.

Apology

We would like to take a moment to sincerely apologise to the people of Thailand. Johnny the Red believed, and still does believe that a trip abroad would help his credentials in the realm of foreign affairs (of which he has had many – often in Thailand - but that’s a whole other indictment). However, Johnny would like to apologise for his unnecessarily phonetic pronunciation of Phuket.

Although pronouncing the “H” is, arguably, a forgivable mistake, Johnny now realises that continually saying it that way, even after being repeatedly corrected, and giggling uncontrollably, was a faux pa.

We here at campaign headquarters are optimistic of more success during next week’s hopefully uneventful trip to Niger...

Traitor of the Week: Henry Rollins

Welcome to the first of what we can only presume will be many installments of our new feature, Traitor of the Week, where, in the interests of national security, we highlight the traitorous, un-American activities of whichever communo-fascist has recently frothed against the sort of policies that Johnny knows will make America great.

To begin, we give you the communistic, fascistic, Zionistic rantings of Henry Rollins, singer, author, poet, spoken-word performer, actor and terrorist. In these two minutes of diseased raving, Rollins argues that freedom of speech should not be curtailed; a clearly wrong-headed position: If people are free to speak, they can say things that Johnny doesn’t like, and that will mean the terrorists have won.



We sent a team of highly trained killers to have an open and frank discussion with Mr Rollins about changing his views or having his liver ripped out while he was still alive, but the plan suffered from poor intelligence: to whit, no one told us that Rollins was a super-humanly strong golem who had been carved from granite, so he sent our assassins back to us in several rubbish bags.

The discussion will continue at a later date...

Iran

People often ask about Johnny’s stance on Iran. Johnny doesn’t currently have one, but plans for his stance, shortly after he is elected, to be inside the smoking crater that used to be Tehran.

Johnny knows that Machiavelli was right when he wrote “there is no avoiding war; it can only be postponed to the advantage of others.”

Others such as Iran.

If we don’t strike quickly (preemptively, in fact) they will have the advantage.

What advantage? You might ask.

Why do you hate freedom? Johnny would reply.

Some of the commie pinko weirdos out there might argue that we need to wait, to be absolutely sure that it’s the right thing to do. They might point out that al-Qaeda-in-Iraq only formed after the invasion, and that attacking Iran could serve to rally malcontent elements into further acts of terrorism. But Johnny knows that this is not the time for half-measures or dithering about. If Hobbes was right when he wrote that the state is an artificial body of gigantic proportions, with judges as joints, and counselors as the memory, then Johnny the Red is America’s pair of enormous brass balls. He knows that the time to attack is now, and the place to attack is anywhere he isn’t sitting at the time. We need to get them before they get us. And “Them” is anyone who can’t count the Viking in their ancestry back to the Mayflower.

If you want to know the future of American foreign policy, picture Johnny the Red: a hawk on one wrist, a bald eagle on the other, and a dove shoved down the front of his pants, slowly suffocating to death.

Some doubting-thomases, un-swayed by the unassailable rightness of Johnny the Red's policy statements have suggested that they are, in fact, nonsense. That they are not solutions to the problems of the world, but simply non sequiturs justifying his own homicidal - or indeed genocidal - tendencies.

We suspect that these critics are probably communists, or terrorists, or communist terrorists, but unfortunately we cannot pursue this line of inquiry as they have all mysteriously met with unfortunate accidents. In any case we would like to point out to the internet in general that Mr the Red's strategies make perfect sense - that is, unless you are also a communist terrorist! However, we would like to clarify certain points.

Following the example of the current administration, Johnny is doing the following:

* Reducing unemployment by clubbing baby seals to death
* Protecting the environment by refusing to sign the Kyoto accord
* Fixing the economy by giving nuns wedgies
* Protecting the world from a Saudi Arabian terrorist by invading Afghanistan
* Raising literacy rates by burning orphanages
* Protecting the world from a Saudi Arabian terrorist by invading Iraq
* Reducing the cost of health care by chopping down ancient redwood forests
* Increasing funding to the arts by torturing prisoners in Guantanamo Bay
* Protecting the world from the nuclear threat posed by North Korea by
looking for an excuse to invade Iran

Johnny promises you security

Johnny promises you security. It's that simple.

Some sceptics may say that security cannot be so easily guaranteed, but for them, Johnny has news: Safety and contentment can be gained with five simple words.

"...then the terrorists have won."

Go on, try it for yourself.

Pick something you hate or don't understand: youth culture; modern music; brown people, and append it with "... then the terrorists have won."

Let's try an example:

If you... oh, let's say, eat meat on a Friday: then the terrorists have won.

And again:

If you... vote Democrat: then the terrorists have won.

And so on.

Doesn't that feel good? Five little words that can be added onto the end of any sentence to make you feel like you're right. Your views aren't just the narrow minded bigotry of a reactionary uneducated redneck, they're not just the mindless bleating of a pathetic bully blocking his ears and repeating the anthem in a desperate attempt to believe his own hegemonic lies. No - You're fighting terrorism. You are directly responsible for combating Osama Hussein, Mad Sheik of Saudi-Iranistan. Every time you call someone of Arabic decent a sand-nigger; every time you yell "Fuck off Osama!" at an Indian Sikh; every time you beat the hell out of someone for looking at you like a fag... Every time you do these things, you are protecting America from the terrorist threat. You're not a jingoistic zealot - You're a hero!

If you don’t vote for Johnny the Red, then the terrorists have won.

Vote Johnny, for change you can REALLY believe in

Can you trust Barack Obama to change things? Sure you can; his slogan is Change You Can Believe In, and he’s constantly saying how he’s going to bring about an end to the corruption and mismanagement of the last several years. If you need more proof, just look at these words from one of his speeches:

“We will show that politics, after a time of tarnished ideals, can be higher and better. We will give our country a fresh start after a season of cynicism.”

Inspiring stuff. Certainly makes me believe in him.

Wait, let me check my notes – oops, those aren’t Senator Obama’s words; they were said by George W Bush in 1999.

But I’m sure Obama means it when he says it – I mean, when was the last time a politician lied to advance their own agenda...?

A few quick denials

Johnny the Red is a colossus, striding the political landscape. A great many things have been said about him, most of which are, unfortunately, true. However, here are a few things that Johnny wants to make it perfectly clear did not happen.

He did not "put Lee Harvey Oswald up to it." Those photos show a much taller man.

That photo of him Cossack dancing with Fidel Castro was obviously a fake. Johnny does not dance.

He is not a patrilineal descendant of Rasputin, though his mother was.

All six of those hookers slipped and fell.

Johnny has not killed men on every continent. He has an allergy to penguins.

He "Is not a crook."

He did not tell Schwarzenegger that "Kindergarten Cop" sounded like a really good idea.

Even if that submarine did go missing, and even if there were nuclear missiles on board it, Johnny was getting a pedicure that day.

Johnny does not have an allergy to penguins.

That was not Johnny's bomb. He was holding it for a friend.

Johnny was not the evil genius behind "The Macarena." That was some other evil genius entirely.
Alright, it was Henry Kissinger.

That other hooker slipped and fell, too.

Johnny never said he "drank his own weight in vodka in a day." It was "Michael Moore's weight."

Johnny does not have a "Tornado Machine."

While Johnny will agree that he has a certain "animal magnetism" those photos with the goat definitely show a much taller man.

Johnny's hat was not made from kittens. Well, not live kittens anyway. Certainly the kittens are not alive now.

Those 3 hookers in Vladivostok? Slipped and fell.

That was not Johnny with the tele-photo lens and three pairs of Natalie Portman's underwear, no matter what the arrest report said.

The panda died of natural causes. And those photos show a much taller man. He's never seen the video so he can't comment.

Johnny was not the original manager for "Tatu."

That whole Trotsky thing was just a tragic accident. How could Johnny know Trotsky was so clumsy he would slip and fall on his icepick 6 times in a row?

Johnny does not "bathe in the blood of the innocent." He may use a little "powdered extract of the innocent" as a light facial cream however.

Johnny did not make his first fortune in the topiary business.

And finally,

Johnny was not even in Prague the day those hookers slipped and fell, though he did arrive on a business trip the following week.

Red like the blood of innocents

The time has come to announce the candidacy for President of The United States of America of Johnny the Red.

Many of you may ask yourselves: Who is Johnny the Red? Isn’t he that shadowy crime figure from the nineties who was implicated in a number of high-profile political assassinations? Hasn’t he acted as a “contractor” for almost every foreign power with an axe to grind against America? Didn’t he hold legitimate positions in the Reagan and George HW Bush administrations before being fired for a series of increasingly sexually bizarre decisions regarding foreign and domestic policy?

These are all valid questions, but can all be addressed with one simple answer: Stop asking questions or Johnny will cut you.

On to a more approved line of questioning: Why did Johnny decide to run for President?

Well, he looked for information about the Republican candidate, but all he could find were pictures of a shuffling, desiccated zombie standing next to someone who appeared to be the protagonist from Naughty Librarians 6: Return it through the slot.

Confused, he channel surfed for information on the Democratic candidate, and, after figuring out that the colour-hold on his television wasn’t broken, came to the conclusion that this wouldn’t be the hardest campaign to win.

So vote for Johnny the Red this November the fourth. He’ll know if you don’t, and he’ll come for you with a blowtorch.