Fear of the black pajamas

Johnny the Red, the finest presidential candidate the United States has ever seen, has been considering the vitally important issue of Ninjas.

He's against them.

This is not, as some might suspect, because ninjas killed his family. No, Johnny recognises that it might be churlish to hate ninjas on this basis, since, to be fair, he gave them the contract in the first place. But what cannot be forgiven is how much they overcharged him. And of course, since 98% of ninjas are Japanese, they are taking jobs away from God-Fearing Patriotic Americans, like Biker gangs and Crack-addicts.

But wait, it gets worse. If those poor crack-addicts can't find honest work killing for money, how will they find the money for a dime bag? And if no one buys crack, what happens to those fine examples of American entrepreneurship, the drug dealers?

Worse yet, we can hardly have a war on drugs if the whole drug culture has undergone a financial collapse. Sure, some of the "law enforcement professionals" who previously made their livings warring on drugs can instead be dedicated to the war on terror, but there are only so many darkies needing arrest and torture. Most of them are going to end up unemployed - when your only skill is “beating out a confession”, there just aren't many options.

Before we know it, those dirty foreigners, with their black pajamas and shiny throwing-stars will have destroyed the entire US economy. So when you need that friend, spouse, family member, business associate, or bastard who's fucking your mistress，brutally and horrifically murdered, buy American, and keep your country working. It's the patriotic thing to do.