Thursday, October 23, 2008

Hugging the tree-line

Johnny has recently found himself becoming increasingly concerned about environmental issues. Specifically, he is deeply worried about the state of our nation's forests.

Deforestation has, for decades, been damaging our nation’s eco-diversity by eliminating the natural habitats of many of our indigenous species. But, more importantly, if we destroy our forests, where will the hitmen, wiseguys and assassins of tomorrow hide the bodies? Hoffa didn't go and put himself through the woodchipper at Uncle Vinnie's farm in the Ozarks, you know?

Sure, many in the industry have argued that with the far more modern options offered by concrete that forests really have little place in the life of today’s contract killer, and besides, who really wants to get their patent leather shoes muddy? And that's true to an extent – certainly Johnny has never been afraid to avail himself of the opportunities that concrete offers. Nonetheless, even allowing for the rapid expansion that our cities and their suburbs have undergone in recent years, it seems that no one's ever laying a new foundation when you really need them to.

Out of this concern was born Johnny's new plan to revitalise Arbor Day. The cornerstone of this is a new name. After all, the problem with a name like “Arbor Day,” is that you can never be too sure that people won't think it's just about taking out their boats. No, Johnny feels that what is really needed is a clearer name. As such, he will be renaming it: “Brutally murder your enemies and bury their dismembered corpse under a brand new tree day.”

There's a name that really leaves no doubt.

In addition, since many Americans may not feel up to the task of brutally murdering their enemies, Johnny will be offering services to help people out with the task at very reasonable prices.

Johnny the Red: Saving the environment, one bullet at a time.

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