Cabinet

The first look at members of Johnny's cabinet, the inner circle who will help him run America. This week, Ilsa.


When asked his opinion on Ilsa, Johnny said “She’s a filthy, disgusting whore with only the sketchiest concept of the difference between right and wrong. I admire that in a woman.”

A mainstay of Johnny’s presidential campaign, this genetically cloned sex-vampire is credited with bringing a certain “edge” to the staff meetings – the fifteen inch hunting knife she uses to bone, joint and gut any members of the cabinet who disagree with Johnny’s policy ideas. Or her policy ideas. Or who forget to bring donuts to the meeting. Even if it wasn’t their turn.

All attempts to procure an in-depth interview with Ilsa proved fruitless, as interviewers regularly returned complaining that they had been horribly physically and emotionally abused by Ilsa, who told them: “Stop your sissy-mary whining – if you didn’t like being treated this way, you wouldn’t have transferred the money to my account. And clean your blood off the sheets before you go. Actually, on second thoughts, don’t...”