Dear John

We get large amounts of mail from our readers, usually from kind people who dearly wish to pray for Johnny's immortal soul. And he's touched. But occasionally we also get messages from people who disagree with Johnny's policy positions. We'd like to share one of those letters, and Johnny's response, with you:

Dear "Johnny the Red" (if that is your real name)

I'm not too sure that your "Vote for me or I'll shoot you in the face" policy is feasible. After all, there are several hundred million Americans of potential voters across the nation - and while Santa can manage to deliver all those presents on Christmas Eve, I'm not sure the spirit of Kris Kringle extends to homicidal maniacs.

Surely this is a fatal flaw to your threats?

Bob Morton, Spokse Indiana

Dear Bob

Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I'd like to answer your question with a question: Specifically, why on earth did you call your golden-haired Labrador "Binky"? And when are you going to get around to painting your house, you know the house you live currently in at 1567 Rocky Road with your lovely wife Molly. Gosh, that's a beautiful red dress she's wearing. By the way, how's the IVF going? Being childless at your age (42) must be such a blow to one's manhood, don't you think?

I think a lot about politics, Bob, but I think more about people. I make it my business to know what the average joe cares deeply about, because that knowledge leads to a little something called "leverage". And right now Bob, what I know about you is ... you're going to need a new dog.

Happy voting, Citizen.

love,
Johnny.